Resigning (2)

I think there are two kinds of breaking-up. One is the one when you are full of rage, devastation, disappointment, there’s nothing else to say but to shout (loudly) “WE’RE DONE!!!” (yes, with capital letters and 3 exclamations). There might be not much thought put into this kind of breaking-up, it’s more like a spontaneous act. Sometimes, spontaneous act is the best thing you’ve ever done in your life.

The second one is a calm, very comporsed breaking-up. For this one, usually you’ve already thought about it for some time. You already have the list of pros and cons. You even have prepared little speech (at least in your head). You’ve thought some different reactions and prepared some scenarios to counter it. This one usually started with “I’ve been thinking about it for some time...” before you actually drop the bomb. Yet, this one is harder than the other one.

Well, actually there’s another kind of breaking-up, it’s when you don’t care at all about the other person so you don’t find the breaking-up hard at all. However, I’m excluding this case in this discussion.

So, anyway, the second type of breaking-up. I think the reason why we prepare so much is because we actually really care about the other person. You know, somehow, that this will be hard for the other person or/and you. While you’re reading your speech, not only you are trying to convince the other person, you are also convincing yourself that the decision is the best for all.

The good scenario is that the other person agrees with you or at least accepts your argument and not (much) fighting back. He/she might even says that they’ve also thought about the same thing. In this case, you smile, give a little hug, and promise to each other that both of you will remains as friends.

The worst scenario, is when the other person not only can’t accept your argument but he is angry about it and starts to throw things to you. Let’s forget about this scenario since it is unlikely to be happen. But just in case, keep in mind to do your breaking-up in public place so someone can call the police if this scenario happens.

The not-so-good scenario is when the other person is not angry, but he/she is devastated. Remember that since you’re using the second type of breaking-up, it means that you really care about the other person, and you hate to make the other person down. It’s getting worse when the other person offering something very good, which you’ve never thought the other person would ever offer anyway, make it harder for you to convince yourself that this is the best decision, if not for all at least for you.

Sigh.

I just got into breaking-up situation type 2. Not with my bf, but with my bosses. I’m leaving the company.

And unfortunately, I was in the not-so-good scenario.

I have two bosses. My direct supervisor is an Argentinian, whom I told first. He was easier, after a quite long pause when told him that I was leaving (over the phone, since he’s not based in Jakarta), finally he said he understood the master degree reason. Yes, he said that his life would be more complicated without me around but he congratulated me for the decision and he was happy for me. So this is more like type 2 breaking up with good scenario, though there was one point when the typical breaking-up thing happened: the good memories were rushing in my mind and I could feel my heart sunk.

My other boss, is an American, who is the boss of my Argentinian boss. He is, unfortunately, a good negotiator. And he started the conversation with, “I came late because I was crying in my hotel over your decision”. Haha. He’s funny, one of the things which make me like him. I know he was joking, but still.

Then he went on questioning my reason, am i sure about this, do my parents support this, etc. After this part, came the harder one: the offerings. What if we transfer you to..., what if you we send you to... what if we let you go home earlier...

Then he went on his reasoning: opportunities I’m going to miss out.

At one point I became shaky and unsure. Am I making the right decision? Because some parts were not in the scenarios that I predicted before. Think about it for two days and we’ll talk again, he said.

So I thought about it. Over and over. If only this had happened like 2 years ago, I might have jumped into accepting the offer right away, but at this point of my life, I need to consider some other things. 2 years ago I didn’t realy think what will happen in the next following years. Geez, I miss those time.

But this is also what usually happens in every breaking-up. Am I doing the right thing? Will I ever regret this decision? Is there anything better than this in the future? Am i just being weak?

Everytime it comes to my mind, I remind myself again that there is a reason why I am now in a breaking-up situation in the first place. Go back to that fundamental reason. Is it truly important? Can I live without it? Is it the part of who I am that I can’t compromise?

Of course, for a job, the questions are slightly different. But I came to conclusion that I’m resigning anyway.

My heart broke a little. Even though there were times when I was so close to walked out the door and never came back, even though there was a period of time when I litterally crossed my calendar everyday marking each day passed, even though there were moments I felt i couldn’t handle the pressure anymore to the point I almost cry in the toilet, and I did complain frequently in my twitter about the work. So, the work is not easy and I hate it sometimes.

Despite of those facts, I am still grateful that I’ve experienced the work. I hate the fact that the work is not easy and stressful and how it deals with never ending urgency. But the work itself, I like it. I don’t believe that if you do something that you really love, it doesn’t even feel like working. Or at least, it doesn’t happen to me. For me, if it doesn’t feel like working that means it is not challenging enough. Having a not challenging work is as bad as having a very stressful one. Maybe even worse (been there!). Because at the end of the day you don’t have this satisfaction of accomplishment and you miss out moments of saying to yourself, ‘God, I am good!’. Though, if you can’t accomplish it, you will feel like a damned loser.

I can tell that I have learnt so much in the past year. If in the future I look back, I am not going to wondering why the hell I was wasting my time. No.. I am not wasting my time, for sure. They say working can give you experiences that school never can. They are right. Not only the substance of the work itself, but witnessing how people manage and with a multinational business everyday is also a valueable experience. I am glad I’ve taken the opportunity to work before I go back to school.

I am lucky that I have bosses who are not only incredibly smart but also very nice.

Most of the time I dealt only with my Argentinian boss (the American one is already busy with tons of other things). The best thing of my Argentinian boss is that he never turns his back on me. Yes, I messed up sometimes and yes he yelled at me (through emails), but in front of other people, he would take the fall instead of blame me. And if I did something right, he would mention it to other people that it was me who had done that. And when he taught me about something, he started from the very basic concept so I can understand the whole idea.

So, yeah, it broke my heart a little. And for some moments I had my doubts about my decision because not every day someone offers me “whatever you want, whatever you want”. But I know deep down that I’m making the right decision.

As I stated in my resignation letter “Thank you for the opportunity. I have learnt so much. I do hope our path cross in the future. Wish you and the team the best luck.". I mean every word in that letter.