Fight

I consider myself as a writer. Maybe not a good one, but still.
I can express my feelings and thoughts best on writings instead of talking, songs, or anything.
Here I go.

**

My relationship with my sister was one of things that I was proud of. We were close, we shared secrets, we had private jokes, we were good friends. Or maybe even bestfriend.

One day my mom was invited to this glamorous wedding party. Some said that the wedding's cost was almost 5 billion rupiahs. Well, no wonder because it took place in one of the most prestigious place in Jakarta where international mucisians usually held their concerts.
Me and my sister were excited. We were definitely going, with mom of course.

Then my mom had another wedding invitation for that date. This one came from a relative of a relative. While the other one came from someone my mom barely knew. So we split. Mom and my aunt went to the relative of relative, while my sister and I went to the glamorous one.

But then it turned out that my sister and I never came to any wedding.

We had fight. A big and bad one. The worst fight ever. While we drove to the place.

It was the day after my graduation day. I was quite exhausted from the day before. I just arrived at home at 6 pm. I had not eat anything since noon so I was starving. Plus, I had some problems with my boyfriend.
So, I was not in a good mood. Even though I was not in a bad one either. Or maybe I was but I didn't realize it.

My mood went worse when we had already on our way and I found out that my sister forgot to bring an envelope. I had reminded her right before we left.
Then my sister complained that she was exhausted and started to refuse directing the way. I was the driver, fyi. Well, it had been my biggest weakness that I couldn't remember routes (especially in Jakarta) easily. So I got tense.

And I did my biggest mistake. I yelled at my sister. Not the usual yells we had when we were fighting. It was loud and harsh.

At this point I should've known that I was wrong and started to appologize. But I felt good. Really. Yelling made me feel good like I loosed my burdens.

So I did my most biggest mistake. I didn't stop yelling.
When my sister yelled back at me, I yelled louder and harsher so that I felt a bit pain in my throat.

My sanity came back when the car queuing at the front gate and my sister got off the car. Damn me! SUPER DAMN ME!
I had the right to be mad at her for the envelope and her annoying attitude. But I had no damn right to yell at her. Hell no!

I parked the car and I ran to my sister, which was quite difficult because I wore a very tight wiron. I tried to convince her to get back to the car. She said no. She said she'd take a cab home. I appologized but it was useless. She was already hurt.
She went back home alone by cab.

I felt terrible. I had never felt so terrible since... I didn't know when. I made the person I loved walked away from me. I didn't know if she was going to forgive me or talk to me again.
But that was not my biggest fear. Because I knew that eventually my sister would forgive me and talk to me again, I just didn't know when it would be. My biggest fear were that she would never let it go and we wouldn't have the same relationship as we used to have. Life would be so much harder. Too hard.
I cried for a long time.

**

I am still begging for her forgiveness.
I was wrong. Very very wrong. Super very very wrong. I should've not yelled at you, especially when most things that upset me had nothing to do with you. I was inappropriate and childish and selfish. I lost control. I was terrible.
Really, I am sorry. I wish I could find a prettier way to say how sorry I am. But I am just not very good on asking forgiveness. So, again, I am sorry.


PS. I didn't regret to skip the glamorous wedding for ran to my sister and took a very slight chance that she would get back to the car and let me drive her home. If the time turned back, I'd take the same option in a heartbeat.